All the Ways Weed Is Now Bougie AF

If there’s one thing San Francisco nails, it’s turning regular items into very, very bougie ones. Like coffee. Or toast. And now weed is no exception. Actually, we can’t even call it weed anymore—only “cannabis” will do.

Ever since legalization happened in January, the San Francisco elite have been hard at work tirelessly proving that ganja can be just as classy as champagne and owning multiple Alexas. So let’s take a look at a few of the ways the city has made weed the most extra.

Dispensaries Your Mom Would Feel Comfy In

You can justify visiting Whole Foods only four times a week, so where do you go on the other three days? Look no further than some of SF’s finest weed dispensaries, such as Harvest, a boutique cannabis lounge that offers a $50-per-month membership to those who want to smoke weed in an environment that reminds them of an Equinox (without the awful side effect of having to exercise).

You could also consider Barbary Coast Collective, where you can meet like-minded and like-walleted stoners and never again have to enjoy your weed out there with the plebs. For a more quaint experience, consider visiting the Dutchman’s Flat, a Dogpatch coffee shop that feels like Amsterdam right in your own city. They claim to use local vendors whenever possible, which means, yes, their Square card reader is locally sourced.

Vapes That Make Your iPhone 10 Look like It Was Built in the 1990s

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You don’t settle for Microsoft, and you shouldn’t settle for a basic vape. No, you need one that looks like it was designed by an engineer making five figures. So consider the PAX 3 vaporizer, one of the most techie-looking vapes on the market. It has a pop-up mouthpiece that functions as an on/off switch because if there’s one thing San Francisco residents know, it’s that devices must be turned on with your mouth, eyes, nails or aura, but never with something as primal as your hands. We highly recommend the rose gold for ultimate bougieness.

You could also consider the Gepetto Box V2, a handmade wooden vape to show that you support local artists and are also willing to spend $2,500. And if your start-up just exited, why not buy a $150,000 diamond-encrusted vape? You’re 23 only once!

Fine High-ning

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The munchies are real, but you’re way too classy for Doritos and Snickers. You need fine dining to pair with your cannabis, and San Francisco has more than enough options. Consider Cannaisseur, an invite-only pop-up where the chef will tell you exactly how the food is made, and you will be too stoned to remember. If you want to bring the fancy dinners to your own home (your six-figure salary isn’t going to spend itself), opt for the Opulent Chef, who does weed-infused private dining, group dinners and workshops.

Cannabis Wedding Expo for the Rare SF-er Who Believes in Marriage

If you want to get married and still disappoint your parents, look no further than the Cannabis Wedding Expo. For the third year, wedding vendors and weed brands will gather in San Francisco to offer you a chance to check out all the weed-soaked nuptial plans you could imagine. Browse offerings from cannabis bakers, shakers and candlestick makers (just kidding — that’s not a real candle; it’s a joint that looks like a candle).

Weed You Can Raise Because You’ve Given Up on Kids

Have you ever wanted to grow your own weed? Probably, because you’re obsessed with any type of innovation. Give the Leaf — a “plug-n-plant” home-growing system — a chance. The best part about the Leaf is that you can talk about it obsessively at brunch. The second-best part is that it fits into your tiny $3,400/month studio. It costs $3,000, but that’s less than one month’s rent, so why not splurge?

Luxury Rolling Papers That Say “I’m Not All Digital”

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Print is dead, but your rolling papers don’t have to be. Shine Papers are just what you’ve always wanted — 24-carat-gold weed rolling papers. These are absolutely perfect for the SF yuppie who doesn’t want to ever propose but does want a round gold thing to offer potential sexual partners. Nothing screams “I’m not marriage material, but I’d still like to bang you” like offering some lucky lady a hit from one of these rolling papers.

You could also try the Luxe non-GMO organic rolling papers, because you hate toxins! That’s why you drank two green juices after In-N-Out — to flush yourself clean.

Wellness Products to Brag to Your Doctor About

You don’t smoke weed to have fun — you smoke weed to stay healthy. And there’s no easier way to show you’re healthy than by spending extra money on supplements. Cannassist, a supplement for weed users, has finally found the intersection of self-care and cannabis use, telling us that “highovers” are a real thing, as well as having a different supplement for each minor physical ache or perceived pain. Store your Cannassist right where it belongs — between your magnesium oil and your gluten-free lavender spray.

But you’re not the only one who needs to be healthy. What about your furry best friend? A number of businesses are popping up to offer Cannabis-infused wellness products for dogs. Now tech start-ups won’t be luring potential employees with the promise of a chill, dog-friendly workplace; they’ll be promising chill, chill dogs in your unfriendly workplace.

Edibles for When Postmates Is over 30 Minutes Away

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